Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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