Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
