He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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