Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
