If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
