the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
