I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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