Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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