my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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