Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
