Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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