Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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