I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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