It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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