make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
