I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
