I skipped work to stalk him.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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