you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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