literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
