Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
