i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
