Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
