Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
