$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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