the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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