Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
