so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He keeps bees of course he's weird
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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