Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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