I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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