don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
