I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
