brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
