We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
