just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
