hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
