can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
