Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
