Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
