dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
