nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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