it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
