Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
