one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
