I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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