I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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