At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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