2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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