I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You are the jesus of drinking
Randomize
