Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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