i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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